Pain, at first, could be bearable; you can keep it all to yourself and deny it. You can tell the whole world that you are fine being that way, that life goes that way. How deep is the wound, you try to stop the bleeding, and not seeking remedy. But the more you try to hide it, the more it triggers itself to be revealed, and what’s more worse, makes you vulnerable.

Pride. Yes, pride. Pride is what makes a person keep all the pain to itself. To be strong, to exceed expectations, to handle pressure when it’s on the limits; being called as weak, vulnerable and stupid is such a shame. Too much pride may lead to independence, could lead to self-reliance and in the end, leads to selfishness.

It is much better to work alone, to handle things alone, but the reality? It’s hard to be alone. Loneliness and pain when paired together, can lead to depression. True, you can fight it, but the damage that has been done, when one cannot stand its overbearing power could lead to death.

It’s hard to stand alone when your knees are still shaking. It’s hard to seek comfort when you couldn’t reach anyone, it’s hard to let the hard feelings go away, to let the burden light. It’s even more harder to think that you are not alone and to think that one day, you’ll seek peace despite of these numerous sufferings.

I’ve been told many times that I should learn how to handle things on my own, that all I could ever rely on is to myself, that I should bear everything because that’s how it is.  I tried, I tried to keep every insult, every words of disdain to myself, I tried to work hard, but it seems that those efforts weren’t noticed. It’s hard to keep up, it’s hard to please everyone, it’s hard to wake up and think that it’s better off to be gone.

Whenever my head snaps, and the pressure taken all over me, I let it all out, but then in the end, all I ever seek was comfort. I looked and searched for it, crying, pleading for help, but in the end, I was like a child being left alone as an orphan. In the end, all I have to do is to calm down and muster up the courage to stand up again.

That’s how it goes, always, a cycle, until in the end, I got used to it. Snapped. Just cry and shout. Look for someone to talk to. Failed. Keep calm. Think of important things to do. Getting back to normal. Back to reality.

This is how I fight loneliness and pain, but unfortunately, as time goes by, it slowly kills me, and everytime these things happen, I still hope to regain back the lost pieces of my humanity.